Conversation

I was blessed with a conversation yesterday. The teenager got all chatty and talked about life at me for a good 45 minutes. First time in ages! When you have a introvert teen boy, you don't get your hopes up for lots of meaningful conversation. "How's the day?" "fine" "Anything exciting going on?" "Nope" "What do you want for dinner?" "Anything is fine." That is about the extent of it.

Before  you wonder if I have actually read any parenting books, I KNOW that talking to teen boys requires the interrogation skills of a highly trained agent. I have those skills. I choose not to use them too often for the benefit of all because sometimes a mom doesn't really want to know the details in her teen boy's life. Plus, the husband has an ongoing conversation with him every morning and Wednesday as they travel together. It's a good thing. I trust in our system. It works.

I just can't remember the last time he voluntarily sat down beside me and word vomited his thoughts all over me. I was shocked, impressed, and a little curious about what brought it on. A student in his school attempted suicide the day before. He didn't know her, but he knew about it. Maybe it had him searching for connection.There has been an ongoing church series about relationships. Maybe he was practicing? His dad dared him? No telling.

No matter the reason, I am thankful and feeling blessed to have shared the time.

I'm really a librarian

I've been a middle school librarian for a week now. It has been the weirdest and most relaxed first week of school I've ever had. EVER. I've been in school for 37 years. This one takes the cake.

It was weird because it was peaceful.

It was weird because I didn't have students to manage.

It was weird because I got so much done.

It was weird because I came home tired, but not exhausted. I didn't have a list of students I knew were going to be a challenge. I hadn't received 16 emails from parents wanting a conference before the first week was out. I came home confident in a job done well and not stretched wafer thin.

My days were quiet affairs doing paperwork, organizing, managing projects.

I had one day of awesome busy with meeting 14 classes and over 350 students. The rest went by in a quiet undulation of uninterrupted projects punctuated with a few teachers and students here and there coming by.

Next week my schedule starts. It will look a lot different. And I am excited. I can't wait to meet the other half of the school. I can't wait to make a difference.

The week culminated with Ryan's first Cross Country meet. He had fun. I wish I could have been there to cheer him on.

Librarian for a Week

This year I get the express pleasure of being a school librarian. It is the fulfillment of a dream and the commencement of a new stage of my career in education. I've been at it officially for a week now, and I have noticed a few things.

It is a lonely job. I'm not really a part of a team, though I am officially with the fine arts team. Most don't see reading as a fine art. These other teachers are committed to their programs, and rightfully so. It doesn't seem an especially tight group, if you get my drift. Everyone is very nice and kind and helpful, but there isn't the interdependence that I am used to after 20 years of being on a team. We don't depend on each other for our daily work life. And it feels isolating.

The staff doesn't quite know what to do with me. Because the campus didn't have a consistent librarian last year, they aren't sure what I can do for them. They are happy I am here. They just have their own specific jobs. I remember. As a teacher, I started considering the library about week 2 of school when I needed a 30 min break from the children. As the librarian, I want to help them anyway I can. So I remind them that I can help in the first few days and have already gotten some good resources into the hands of some exuberant individuals. But not many. I know I just need to keep talking the talk and being helpful and available.

My boss forgets I'm there sometimes. I mentioned that there wasn't a consistent librarian last year. It was also the principal's first year there. So having an actual certified, degreed, and capable teacher/librarian just a few steps away hasn't set in yet. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I love what I am doing! When I walk into this new place full of faces I recognize but can't put a name to, I get a rush. It's part fear and part hope. I love that I have the freedom to do things that I never had time for before. I love that my classroom has the most books in the whole school. I love that I will get to help teachers teach better and help students learn more. I love that instead of sweating data numbers and curriculum/time constraints, I spent my work days this week making signage to help students find materials efficiently and planning when teachers could come with classes. It's a breath of fresh air.

I know I'm going to like this new job. I can't wait for it to get started on Monday!

the eve before youth camp

Twas the eve before youth camp and all through the house
everyone was playing including my spouse.
The children were packed, that much is true
but mom wasn't happy cuz she had much left to do.

A trip to the Mart and some laundry, just a trace .
How many towels do we need to fit in that case?
The day started fine, but is wasn't close to heaven.
Will we be ready to leave in the morning by seven?

So I took a moment to breathe and adjust my focus.
We WILL make it on time without any hocus pocus.
After 20 years, we've been down this road before.
Church camp, you don't scare me anymore!

Journal of the Summer Wife, Day 1

I have been Summer wife for a whopping 24 hours. I don't know if this day is an omen for the summer or just the normal way of things, but I'm a bit nervous.

First night - hubs and kids are gone, I get uninterrupted TV time while I decompress from the single hardest work day in memory. Yay! My MIL even took care of me with appetizer dinner and chocolate pie. Hubs came home running fever and mumbling incoherently. Hmmm, fun while it lasted.

First late night - slept in bits and fits while checking for fever, getting meds, and having to pee

First morning - stayed in PJs until unmentionable time and watched Netflix while Hubs slept and kids gorged on computer fun. Not too bad, except for that niggling headache and press of things that need doing

First afternoon - packed son #dos for preteen camp and heading to The Store with said son and a headache that won't go away.


We shall see what trouble will befall us there. Or maybe what unexpected blessing might await at the Mart of Wals.

Here is a picture to make the post more fun.

How tired are you?

It's Sunday night, 6 weeks of school left. And I am tired. The kind of tired when your eyes burn and there is that weird eye lid twitch at random intervals. The kind of tired where you could lay down and be out in 3.56 seconds. The kind of tired when you bring home a bucket of chicken with no excuses or regrets without asking if anyone else wants it. The kind of tired when summer vacation seems like 100 years away.

I hope to accomplish some stuff this week. I want to find out about my possible new job. I want to do some housework. I want to clear some bills. I want to read something for fun. And I want to have a family game night.

I also want to have a great week at work. I want to have some fun with the kids. I want to help out some of the more stressed out teachers. I want to have full days that reek of worthwhile learning.

So here's to my week! May it reek, in the best possible way.

And here's a picture of a Gutenberg Bible. How cool is that??

I'm emerging

This has been a killer week. STAAR tests are hard core and make students and teachers all feel deflated and weary. But, as I am coming out of the testing funk, I am excited about being able to teach fun stuff again. I got that little tickle in my belly today when I went hunting for enough glue to make the thing we were creating today. I didn't even put a TEK with the lesson. It was just for fun. And, joy of joys, it will shift into tomorrow because we didn't finish today.

Emerging from the testing funk can be accomplished in a couple of ways. My choice is to shower the kids in markers, glue, slightly faded construction paper that has been sitting on the counter since September (the last time we got crafty btw), and a thought to wonder about and see what they come up with. Letting kids be kids instead of data points is what makes the difference for me. For the rest of this week I will not worry about reading levels, grades, TEKS, or lesson plans. My students will read real books that interest them, write about topics that they wonder about, and learn something new that they didn't know was coming when they walked through the door.

Ahhhh, can you hear it? It's the sound of life and learning and teachers coming back to life.

Who is this?

After a little sabbatical, I thought it was finally time to add another post. Mostly, Mom was anxious and missed reading about my life in this odd platform.

I've been up since 5:25 this morning. My alarm was set for 5:30, so I obviously have to wake up 5 minutes before that. I didn't want to wake up then, but Son #1 had an early morning performance with his church ministry team. Hard to complain about rising early when your 14 year old wants to go and share Jesus with people. I mean, I could complain, but that would just show how shallow I can be.

So, since I was up early and couldn't go back to sleep when I got home, I checked my social media outlets, watched some online videos, and went grocery shopping. Did you know people at Walmart are actually really nice at 7:30 in the morning? One customer reminded me to check the expiration on the milk because he had just found some with a date from 3 weeks ago. Another lady was so polite and wished me a happy day when we met at the aisle crossing. The cashier chatted with me and suggested a fruit dip recipe while she rang up my many items. She even let a lady into the lane even though she was running late for her break. This is a great time to go shopping! I also noticed that all of these kind people were a bit older than myself. Let's kindly say they were in their "fall" years. Way to go baby boomers! You represented your generation well today. And you have inspired me to be more interested in people.

And since you bothered to read my post, here is a bonus picture of a recent trip I was on. You are welcome.  Who doesn't love a big whale?

Holiday Humbugs

I have some strong opinions about the current cultural craze of the elf on the shelf. I will admit that my kids are older and have no desire to track the movements of a fantasy stuffed doll during the holidays, so we do not participate. I have observed many odd things lately about this naughty creature. I just need to vent a bit.

First of all, parents use this game to make children behave by using their innate desire to please against them. "The elf is watching" parents say. But the elf does naughty things. Who is watching the elf? There are endless boards and websites devoted to showing parents what kind of mischief the family elf should wreck around the house. This is like/not like the "Santa is watching" I grew up with. Santa was never seen and certainly would never TP the bathroom or spread glitter around the mantle. It's kind of confusing to me, but so are a lot of things. I do enjoy the fun pics of kids freaking out when the elf gets touched though. Apparently the elf loses magic if he/she is touched or played with by the kid. Seems kind of cruel to me.

I also notice parents getting freaked out by the work of keeping up with the elf all December and remembering to move him/her and create fancy scenes for their children to find in the morning. Seems like a lot of work  to me. Especially at this time of year. And for what effect? Entertainment? For the children? My kids are plenty entertained, thanks. That's why we have computers, and game systems, and TVs, and books. I have to wonder if parents don't participate in this just to prove they can. Since I have failed as the tooth fairy for years, and that only happens occasionally, I'm pretty sure that keeping up the elf charade would be a total flop.

I know this is just a cultural thing and it's not harmful. I know that I resist new and different things just because I am stingy that way. I honestly just don't get the new craze. So, I intend to continue with my marginal, yet just as special, routine for holiday happenings. Mine go something like this: postpone putting up the tree until the youngest begs me enough that I have to respond, find the stockings a few days later, fake "losing" the garlands I bought last year after the holiday so that I don't have to put them up (and thus take them down),  put off gift shopping until the last day, wrap in one long painful session where my legs ache and my feet hurt and I just don't care if you get your present in a Walmart bag, and binge watch my latest Netflix entertainment as long as possible.

Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

She Did It!

A peek into graduation, from inside my head...

There are so many feelings coursing through my soul this weekend. I took a moment during the ceremony (I had some time to think while the undergrads commenced) to just take in the moment of the day. It was loud, and crazy, and ceremonial, and a little weird for a 40+ mom. But oh, how sweet it was. I feel so many things about completing this degree.

I am grateful. Yep, it's a feeling. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to: God for His gifts of wisdom and protection and provision and so much more; My husband, for walking with me with kindness and understanding through the journey of this schooling experience; my children, for eating way too many fast food meals and living in a messy hovel with irregularly cleaned clothes; my friends, for remembering me even when I forgot important things like calling and keeping in touch.. the list just goes on and on.

I am proud. I did it! I worked full time, kept the family alive, and learned lots of new stuff and I did it! And it feels good. A bit complex, too. As a Christian, we are warned against pride that puffs us up. I struggle with that. But in this instance, I think this pride acknowledges that I did it, with help from those around me and God Himself, most importantly,directing my steps. He gets the glory, but I still am so proud that I did this huge thing. It was work and took courage and was not easy. And I did what I needed to do. I will not discount the effort that this degree required with false humility.

I am joyful! This is a deep and profound lightness in my spirit that bubbles out in my smile. I find myself smiling huge for no apparent reason this weekend. There is joy in finishing well and accomplishing a big goal. I had forgotten that feeling. Before undertaking this degree, I can't remember the last large goal I had to work hard for. There is certainly something powerful in the joy that comes from accomplishing a hard won thing.

I am a bit scared, too. Everyone keeps asking "What are you going to do with all that free time?" And I don't know. It seems wrong to say "sleep more, watch more tv, maybe dust some flat surfaces?" I don't know what God has for me next. I do know that this degree allows me to make some career changes. That is very scary. Exciting, too. But still scary.

My head can be a messy place. Big feelings make me distinctly uncomfortable, but I am processing through it all. And I embrace the life that these emotions stem from. I graduated,so apparently old dogs can learn new tricks. I hoe that applies to other areas of my life as well.

Thanksgiving rituals

Every family has rituals and traditions. These are the things that are looked forward to and anticipated. Sometimes they are the things we do without conscious thought at the same time every year. Our family is no different.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles - we watch it every Thanksgiving. Now that the boys are old enough to have favorite parts we all laugh in the same places. And now that everyone has traveled on planes, trains and automobiles it makes more sense.

Christmas decoration guilt - this one is solely mine. The boys have no guilt about not getting the house Christmasfied before heading back to school. I do. Because I know that it will be December 20th before I get it all out. I've never actually done the decorating before the end of the Thanksgiving break, but I always want to and hate it that I spend my time binge watching shows instead.

Binge watching/gaming - I watch Netflix, the boys game. For untold hours. I am a bad mom. I have less guilt about this than the holiday decorating. Like I said, I am a bad mom.

FFA - Free For All eating plan. I seldom cook except for what I do for the holiday. My family has been known to each peanut butter and old banana chips for 3 meals straight. Only slight guilt on this one because they are still growing and not glassy eyed.

Sleeping in - I take great joy in not setting an alarm. Somehow getting that extra 3 hours in the morning makes a difference in my day. Even though I was up 3 hours later the night before. Internal alarm clocks are the worst thing ever.

Family together time - this tradition has changed over the years, but the constant is that it is always the Saturday before we head back to school. Like it or not, we will spend the afternoon together. :)

I like our traditions. They suit us as a family. And I think that's what traditions are all about.

Funeral Flowers!

Have you ever had to buy funeral flowers? It's hard! It shouldn't be, but wow! I know these things: Mamaw gave white flowers for other people's funerals, carnations are taboo, I have a budget, it matters because it matters to my mother in law. So I went with roses and lillies. White. It's pretty and we loved our Mamaw. That will have to do.

Here's why it's so hard:  I love color! Give me Gerber daisies and crazy arrangements. Flowers are some of my favorite things ever and they shouldn't cause stress. But alas, it's a week of stress. Saying goodbye is like that. Even when it is expected and a welcome relief to know she is out of pain.

So, we will say our goodbyes to the lady who helped Chris become the amazing man he is. We will talk, chat, eat, and endure awkward family moments. That's what makes our family roll.

So here's to you Mamaw! Thanks for years of love, care, acceptance, and great Sunday dinners. You will be missed by many.

IT's my 400th post? really?

So I realized today that I could use some therapy. And then I remembered that I like eating out occasionally, not sweating the bank account monthly, and the kids needs shoes. So, I came here. This is my nook that is kind of public, so I can feel like it's a public airing of life that I actually share with people. But it's also kind of safe because I am pretty sure that my mom is the only one who reads it.

On my 400th post, I'd like to list 400 things I would change if I were the boss. Not really. 400 is a lot and I don't have that much imagination.

Here's what's been happening in Willingham's World: I am trying to finish my Master's degree. That's all. Well, all that I'm thinking about. Oh, and school started. And I really want another job. It's not the place, or the people, or the actually work. No, it's all the other stuff.

I want a job where I can be respected for the 20 years of experience I have in my field. I want a job where I don't feel like every conference is an attack on my abilities and performance. I want a job where performance isn't rated through data boards and menial numbers that only give a piece of what is going on.

I want to teach kids stuff. I want to grow their love of reading and writing maybe too. I want to see them play with ideas and learn how to interact appropriately in social settings. I want to feel like a hero when they finally get it and I don't want to feel like a bandit when I have a crazy idea and just go with it. I don't want to explain my reason for everything I do.

Oh, and I want a 4 day work week. And inclement learning days when the weather is too nice to be inside so everyone must go outside all day. And I want some cream cheese icing.

So, that's where it is. I'm working hard, hard, hard on coursework. And I'm trying desperately to figure stuff out.  Thanks therapists. That helped.

The Heart

Within every amazingly good institution there is an individual who is the heart. In exceptional places, there are several. They exemplify what is unique and lovely and powerful within the context of that place. The heart not only keeps things moving, but carries the memories and cultural traditions. They inspire and lead and encourage and guide without even knowing what they are doing sometimes. And when the heart is gone, for whatever reason, the work environment mourns. It will eventually change and a new heart will emerge to fit the new culture and work will continue. But those who were there before always remember and poignantly feel the loss. Phrases like "remember when" and "I sure do miss..." echo in their minds on a regular schedule.

A couple of years ago, the heart left abruptly for health reasons. It was the right thing, but it still hurt. Our family mourned and moved on slowly because we knew it was for the best. A new way of getting things done began to grow in fits and starts.

Then, just as a new culture was forming, another heart was needlessly removed. Here one day, gone the next. Careless and untrue accusations rocked our piece of the world and we wondered if things would ever be right again. Unable to move forward and impossible to return to life before, our family accepted, grudgingly, the new status. Our heart was missing and we didn't know if it would come back. We were incomplete and the loss affected us all. A new normal emerged that was a shadow of what it should be. And we waited. We prayed. We snooped. Then we prayed some more. And we waited, always wondering if our heart would come back to us, or if we would have to create another new way of operating.

Today, our heart returned. It was a glorious surprise that was the perfect uplifting end to a hard first week. The return was answered prayers and patient waiting for justice. It was a beautiful thing. I don't know what it felt like to have over 700 people on their feet chanting your name, friend, but from where I was standing it was the best!

Welcome Home!

I took the summer off

Yep,I did, I took the summer off of blogging. I might even take the fall off. Who knows.

This week has been a little nostalgic for me due to heading back to school and all. son #1 and Baby boy have been amazingly sweet and kind. In return I give them free reign on computers.

But I looked over the other day and got a sentimental. Son #1 is offically a man-boy. He has fuzz on his chin and hairy pits. His voice is strange and he can touch the ceiling without standing on his toes. But he still came over and said "I need a hug". He confessed that he had trouble going to sleep last night because he was missing Blazer. He alternates between physically rough housing with the little brother and giving him unasked for advice about middle school. He opens my doors and lays his head on my arm when we sit close together. He is turning into a beautiful young man. And it made me stop and thank God for a great kid that I get to parent through this life. I took a moment and just felt the joy and sadness of being a mom to boys.

And..She's back!

The semester is over and I don't have classes for another few weeks. So, I might want to update this. I know you've been dying to hear what has happened. Lets work backward in time....

2 hours ago my son asked how babies came out if they weren't cut out of the Mom. A conversation ensued. The mystery of female biology is no more. Husband, you OWE me. What good is having boys if I have to explain these things to them??? My one perk, and it's gone. At least it wasn't awkward or anything.

5 hours ago, I got Mother's Day flowers 3 days early. And they are pretty! I am so blessed to have a husband who thought ahead enough to order flowers in time that I can show them off to my fellow teacher AND he didn't have to pay prime delivery fees. He's thoughtful like that.

Yesterday, I found out I won an award! I haven't won an award since I was in 7th grade. I received the Outstanding Student Award from SHSU Dept of Library Sciences. So nice to be recognized. I am honored. Truly.

Just before I went to get the mail and find my surprise award, I booked a trip on Expedia to London for the summer. AHH! It's going to happen now for sure because those suckers are nonrefundable. I am so excited. 8 days in Germany for baseball camp and 4 days in London. Traveling the world. I never thought it would happen, but I can't wait. The planner in me is on hyper drive and I am trying to relax about the packing and the paying (right now we can get there and have a place to stay, but not eat or go anywhere), and the being away from home for 2 weeks, and the paying, and finding the right shoes to walk around Europe without having my feet kill me, and.... I think I need to relax a bit. So I'm going to smile awkwardly at my shiny award and figure out what to cook for dinner.

Best VBS promo ever!

VBS Volunteers Promo 2014 from Crossroads Baptist Church on Vimeo.

Day 5

Oh my Spring Break. Today was a doozie. I drove about 8 hours today. To and from East Texas. Mission accomplished. Treasure found. But boy am I tired. I got home. And there was no pie. It is Pi day. So Dear Hubby just left to get pie. And milk. He's a good man. I think he was so eager to go get pie because he was with the boys all day. All. Day. Or maybe he is thanking me for not having to drive all day. I'm glad to be home. And sad that Spring Break is about done. But there is still tomorrow. Right?

Day 4

I felt a little lost today. Woke up with a headache, but was feeling better by noon. The children were frighteningly willing to do anything I asked. The weather was gorgeous. I got to finish a good book. It's a middle grade novel with some great elements. Not quite right for a 3rd grade read aloud, but it will certainly make it to the shelves.

I also got a haircut. Talk about big adventure. My stylist was Chinese (I think), a bit older, and had a very different way of doing things. It all came out in the end just fine, but was a little scary getting there. She didn't ask what I wanted done until she had already washed, conditioned, and combed out my hair. Scissors were in hand. I can't wait to make the newish cut mine.

All in all it's been a great day after I found my way.

Day 3

It was a great day off! Project Room Reclamation was put on hold. We saw a movie. We played games. Hairs were cut. Not much to share.