Monday, December 14, 2009

Why Teachers are FAT!

I know why teachers pack on those extra pounds. It's not the stress eating, as some might think. And it's not the boredom from all that down time, either. I mean, really, we do have 12 weeks off a year. Lots of time to gorge like the porkies we all are at heart.

No, the real reason, is because well meaning people think sweet things express gratitude and happiness. What do children buy their teacher for a gift? Apple on the desk? nope.. How about some homemade hummus for her wheat cracker? Heck no.. we get tins and buckets and paper bags filled with chocolate, cookies, and homemade fudge. They are easy to package and cheap to make or buy. Everyone loves just a little chocolate, right? So why won't a shoebox filled with home dipped chocolate covered pretzels represent  my love even more for that great teacher who deals with my child in all their specialness for 180 days a year?

And teachers, well, we are nice people. We hate to hurt anyone's feelings. "Teacher, teacher, did you like my chocolate I gived to you?" And we really can't lie. Ok, we can, but not about THIS. I couldn't lie to sweet little Fred and say it was yummy without sampling at least a little of it. Because he's watching me! Yeah, kids watch and know. That's why magicians don't like kids at their shows. They notice everything! You think little Fred wouldn't notice that I hadn't tried some of his chocolate peanut butter reindeer food, so carefully packaged in a neat little quart sized ziploc bag? No, he'd notice. And we can't lie to the children! Well, not about that anyway.

And then there are co-workers... gifts at the holidays.. you know those ladies can cook. Each one has a special treat they make and bring to share. Cuz teachers are sharers. And we are POOR. It's totally affordable to make 9 quarts of hot chocolate mix to give away to everyone at the school. And it is Grandma's recipe. And you can't be a jerk and not try it. Yeah, just try saying, "oh, that's not gonna work on my diet, but thanks for thinking of me!" You'd be blackballed for the rest of your life. You'd have to change campuses. And even then, the talk would follow you. You'd be the teacher who is "SO worried about her weight that she couldn't even try a little taste of my present." Teachers are also gossips, if ya didn't know.

And then there is the administration. What can you do for 70 people to keep them happy during Hell Week? It's worse than the Navy Seals training, I promise. I might not have to rebreathe underwater, but I do go a week without sleep and have exhausting days filled with the physical exhirtion of keeping classes of kids busy for 8 hours a day the week before the winter holiday. Can't take things for grades. Nope, cuz they won't focus long enough to make it possible and kids are absent, arriving late, leaving early, and there are fewer helpers than ever.

So, back to our bosses. They have found that if they dangle little treats along the way, the teachers are more likely to show up and be nice to the parents. Chocolate minis in the mailbox, hot chocolate and cookies in the lounge. Peppermints and PTO lunches to keep us full and sugared, since the airborne spraying of Prozac is prohibited by some dumb law.

Yeah, this is why we are fat. And if you find a teacher who isn't fat.. they are either new to the profession or extremely high strung.


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